11.29.2003
a saturday night...
so, yeah. just a quiet saturday night. enjoying the quietness of it. might do some writing here, i don't know. i started working on a 'novel', so to speak, quite some time ago. thinking about trying to do some work on that, but who knows? i spent a large sum of money this weekend. i tend to be a bit impulsive with my spending, not seomthing that is really a great thing, but i am working on it. nonetheless, i am now the owner of a brand new canon digitial slr camera. as soon as the store gets it in, that is. anyone intereted in buying a really nice nikon? gotta pay for the new one somehow. but? other than that, has been a fairly uneventful weekend thus far. tomorrow is church, and then hopefully finish the rest of my group assignment. starting to get some directions on things, maybe. nothing specific, just more on how to live the kind of life that i want to live. so? that is always a good thing.
so, yeah. just a quiet saturday night. enjoying the quietness of it. might do some writing here, i don't know. i started working on a 'novel', so to speak, quite some time ago. thinking about trying to do some work on that, but who knows? i spent a large sum of money this weekend. i tend to be a bit impulsive with my spending, not seomthing that is really a great thing, but i am working on it. nonetheless, i am now the owner of a brand new canon digitial slr camera. as soon as the store gets it in, that is. anyone intereted in buying a really nice nikon? gotta pay for the new one somehow. but? other than that, has been a fairly uneventful weekend thus far. tomorrow is church, and then hopefully finish the rest of my group assignment. starting to get some directions on things, maybe. nothing specific, just more on how to live the kind of life that i want to live. so? that is always a good thing.
11.28.2003
11.27.2003
some direction...
so, yet more thinking has occurred... lol. i am begining to se some definite things that i can do to start to change the things about me that i don't like. a lot of it won't be easy, especially since a lot of it involves other people, and trusting them, and being vulnerable with them. but? it has to be done, so, i will do it. i don't know where all these things will take me, but? i have a couple starting points, and to me at least, that is a step.
so, yet more thinking has occurred... lol. i am begining to se some definite things that i can do to start to change the things about me that i don't like. a lot of it won't be easy, especially since a lot of it involves other people, and trusting them, and being vulnerable with them. but? it has to be done, so, i will do it. i don't know where all these things will take me, but? i have a couple starting points, and to me at least, that is a step.
11.26.2003
so, i was just thinking, (surprise surprise), and it occured to me that some might find my recent postings somewhat depressing. well, they aren't intended to be, they are merely intended to be a more honest relflection of who i am, and what's going on in my life, so? it is more difficult than you might think for me, so take for what it is. (and appreciate the humor where inserted... lol!)
no more tears...
so, here's a fact for you: i haven't cried for about 2 and a half years. that last time i cried was sometimes shortly after my girlfriend dumped me, and not since then. that whole experience seems to have hardend me quite a lot. in more ways that just the lack of tears. i think that it has lead me to really be weary of being vulnerable at all. part of that is pride, which i am sure i have more than my fair share of, but i think part of it stems from that whole ordeal. i am actually glad we didn't end up together, but it still sucked. and so, yeah, it's been a long two and a half years. it has nothing to do with her anymore; it has everything to do with me and what i have become. hard, calloused, afraid to trust completely, afraid to really feel, afraid to be, it seems sometimes. to truly be is to allow yourself to be vulnerable, and allow others to truly know you. and i certainly don't do that. some people say that crying is for sissys. i would disagree. i would say that a good cry now and again is a good thing. i have, at times, wanted to cry more than anything else in the world. to release at least some of this crap that i have kept pent up for so long. and yet, i can't. i don't think it was pride at that point, i don't know what is was. all i know is, i would still like to. it will be a good think. it might take some breaking, but i know that i need some breaking, so? as hard as that day might be, i do look forward to it.
so, here's a fact for you: i haven't cried for about 2 and a half years. that last time i cried was sometimes shortly after my girlfriend dumped me, and not since then. that whole experience seems to have hardend me quite a lot. in more ways that just the lack of tears. i think that it has lead me to really be weary of being vulnerable at all. part of that is pride, which i am sure i have more than my fair share of, but i think part of it stems from that whole ordeal. i am actually glad we didn't end up together, but it still sucked. and so, yeah, it's been a long two and a half years. it has nothing to do with her anymore; it has everything to do with me and what i have become. hard, calloused, afraid to trust completely, afraid to really feel, afraid to be, it seems sometimes. to truly be is to allow yourself to be vulnerable, and allow others to truly know you. and i certainly don't do that. some people say that crying is for sissys. i would disagree. i would say that a good cry now and again is a good thing. i have, at times, wanted to cry more than anything else in the world. to release at least some of this crap that i have kept pent up for so long. and yet, i can't. i don't think it was pride at that point, i don't know what is was. all i know is, i would still like to. it will be a good think. it might take some breaking, but i know that i need some breaking, so? as hard as that day might be, i do look forward to it.
God, where are you? i am so lost... please come and find me, because i don't know my way out anymore, and i'm afraid that i'll get stuck here. and i'm afraid of being without you. please God, come help me...
11.24.2003
a bit of truth...
so, i have been doing a lot of thinking today. i have ben trying to decide whether i am being foolins and avoiding my problems by leaving this place that i severly dislike, or if i am being smart by avoiding a place that seems to ensnare me and drag me down. so? wherein lies the answer? i am not sure yet. i know i think too much, that's for sure. but, that is off the topic. i know that i need to work on a lot things in my life, and i know that a lot is going to have to change. it is going to painful. of this i am certian, if of nothing else. so? to move forward is the direction that is left, b/c i am going to burn the bridges behind me. so... forward march...!
so, i have been doing a lot of thinking today. i have ben trying to decide whether i am being foolins and avoiding my problems by leaving this place that i severly dislike, or if i am being smart by avoiding a place that seems to ensnare me and drag me down. so? wherein lies the answer? i am not sure yet. i know i think too much, that's for sure. but, that is off the topic. i know that i need to work on a lot things in my life, and i know that a lot is going to have to change. it is going to painful. of this i am certian, if of nothing else. so? to move forward is the direction that is left, b/c i am going to burn the bridges behind me. so... forward march...!
11.23.2003
honestly...
i wonder how long its been since i was really honest with myself. or with anyone else, for that matter. sure, some people know me fairly well. i choose to let a couple really know me. but, they are a precious few. and what about myself? have i been really honest with myself? i am thinking not. i am not utterly dishonest with myself, or anyone else. i just choose what to reveal. often, it isn't much. there is discretion in this, but there is a difference in discretion and fear. i think that if anyone knew who i really was, they would never talk to me again. that's the truth. i don't think that i have really admitted that to myself, and certainly not to anyone else. even much of this blog is carefully selected and edited to portray a certain me. none of it is false, just carefully chosen. and i think that sometimes i have worked so hard to keep up a certain image that i even fool myself into thinking that is who i am, even if it isn't. its not that it isn't me, just not all of me, ya know? i mean, sure i have some problems, same as anyone else, but i get so caught up in making it look like i don't, that sometimes it fools me. or, i choose to let it fool me. shame on me. so? why all this subtle mistruth? fear, mostly. i am a horribly insecure person. i am not sure yet if has gotten better or worse over the past few years. as much as i hate to admit it, i think it has gotten worse. i am not 100% of this, but i would bet so. i think that it has a lot to do with the aforementioned fear and hiding parts of me for quite some time. it just gets bigger and worse and so then you really think that no one wants to know you. and so on and so on and so on.... yeah... and that's pretty much it. obviously, for discretion's sake, i won't get into everything hear. but, i think it is time some things change. a lot of things. i think i may need a change of scenery. actually, i am almost certain of it. i am not sure if it will go through, but? i have some things in the works, so? we'll see what falls into place. time to make some changes. yeah. oh, yeah, and i will try to be more honest on here, writing about things that actually mean something to me, instead of just this silly nonsense that i write most of the time. to be honest, quite often the song lyrics that i post are some of the most honest things i post, b/c they are usually a very close reflection to what i am thinking or feeling when i post it! g'night all...
i wonder how long its been since i was really honest with myself. or with anyone else, for that matter. sure, some people know me fairly well. i choose to let a couple really know me. but, they are a precious few. and what about myself? have i been really honest with myself? i am thinking not. i am not utterly dishonest with myself, or anyone else. i just choose what to reveal. often, it isn't much. there is discretion in this, but there is a difference in discretion and fear. i think that if anyone knew who i really was, they would never talk to me again. that's the truth. i don't think that i have really admitted that to myself, and certainly not to anyone else. even much of this blog is carefully selected and edited to portray a certain me. none of it is false, just carefully chosen. and i think that sometimes i have worked so hard to keep up a certain image that i even fool myself into thinking that is who i am, even if it isn't. its not that it isn't me, just not all of me, ya know? i mean, sure i have some problems, same as anyone else, but i get so caught up in making it look like i don't, that sometimes it fools me. or, i choose to let it fool me. shame on me. so? why all this subtle mistruth? fear, mostly. i am a horribly insecure person. i am not sure yet if has gotten better or worse over the past few years. as much as i hate to admit it, i think it has gotten worse. i am not 100% of this, but i would bet so. i think that it has a lot to do with the aforementioned fear and hiding parts of me for quite some time. it just gets bigger and worse and so then you really think that no one wants to know you. and so on and so on and so on.... yeah... and that's pretty much it. obviously, for discretion's sake, i won't get into everything hear. but, i think it is time some things change. a lot of things. i think i may need a change of scenery. actually, i am almost certain of it. i am not sure if it will go through, but? i have some things in the works, so? we'll see what falls into place. time to make some changes. yeah. oh, yeah, and i will try to be more honest on here, writing about things that actually mean something to me, instead of just this silly nonsense that i write most of the time. to be honest, quite often the song lyrics that i post are some of the most honest things i post, b/c they are usually a very close reflection to what i am thinking or feeling when i post it! g'night all...
