unhindered and (seemingly) illogical

i think that sometimes it might have been better to not dream at all...

but, i'm not totally convinced just yet, so maybe you can change my mind.

so, i think i have realized that i am probably the most selfish person i know. not an easy thing to come to grips with, but there it is. disturbing as this is, at least in the realization itself there is hope. part of this problem lies simply in human nature, and its all too strong tendencies to look out for one's self above all else. on the other hand, i think it is partly due to the fact that in this particular wave of my life there is little else to live for. don't freak out on me yet, let me clarify a little bit. i mean that at this moment, and for the last few years, my existence has been focused solely on my own progress and betterment. while this is certainly a vital and very necessary function of my being, it is not the end all and be all. there are other things and people to which i am attached and which demand things of me, but in all reality i am very unwilling to give much of me to anyone or anything, unless it suits me. this has gone beyond mere survival to unadulterated self-centeredness in its highest form! so, while these factors certainly have influenced the development of the afore-mentioned condition, i am by no means trying to shift the blame away from where it surely belongs, which is squarely upon my reluctant shoulders. i have taken this survival instinct to an end for which it is not meant. it does not all stem from merely that; self-gratification is certainly in cahoots here. so, i have decided without waver that i am undoubtedly a selfish person. and other than the reasons listed above, i don't know why i am the way i am. is it something to do with fear? in the area of giving of myself to people; perhaps. i don't want to say it is a dominant fear, but perhaps something a bit more subconscious. i just don't know. but, i have at least recognized a problem, which as stated before, makes me hopeful. solution? not yet. some ideas, but no cure-alls. i know this is a way in which i do not want to live, so i am determined to do something about. i just don't know what yet... lol...

i should quit working so much.

hmm...

it appears that someone from the frozen northern lands took offense to my reference to them as such. i did live there for two years, afterall, so i think i know a wee bit about it... :P anyhow, it's only been around 17 today (i even converted it fo y'all), so? lol...

(wink wink)

so, had a nice post going, and lost it. oops.

it's been a while since i've been on here, mostly due to the virus or two or ten that my cpu picked up. but, seem to have that all cured now, so? that is a nice thing.

on the news side of things, finally got a place to live, and will be moving in soon. much looking forward to that prospect. working a lot, not a lot new there. have to go back to the frozen northern lands next weekend for yet another wedding. yeah, fun. but? i am the photographer, appearantly, so? kinda scary, but? not much ya can do about that but do yer best, i guess.

other than that? not too much that i can think of. gotta head to church in a couple minutes here, but? i'm out.