unhindered and (seemingly) illogical

Today the journey begins anew
It starts over; there is no looking back
I cannot begin to comprehend
The extraordinary expense this will levy
Upon my bankrupt soul
My addictions still haunt me
But now it is only grudgingly that I give into them
No more will I do so willfully
Like a love gone sour
I will walk away, no matter the pain
I can only hope that my mirage of love
Will one day become a reality
That all the hoaxes called love
That I have known before will fade away
And that I will come to embrace a truer from
Of this mystery, this unexplainable force
As I look forward on this road
Seeing my journey stretching out ahead of me
With no end in sight
All I know for sure is
That this is the path I must travel
To turn back now would be to forfeit my soul
I can’t turn back now…
I won’t go back…

so, i am still the most selfish person i know. and i am tired of it. i am tired of being that way. is that really who i am? i don't think so. it may be who i will become, if i don't do some serious rethinking about how i want my life to be. but, i don't think that is really who i am. i still see a light at the end of the tunnel, so i must not have traveled too far down it, yet. i dunno... just tired of the rediculousness of it all. maybe i should move to africa or tibet or something like that. hmm... i doubt it would be the thing. the catalyst for this change must come from somewhere within, i beleive. aided, of course, by the only one who can help. but, i don't know... we shall see what comes, and take it as it comes. the next post is something i wrote at a time like this once before, and it seems to fit the situation, so? yeah.

yeah.
so, i take my test tomorrow. to say i am nervous... well, it'd be true. i am a bit skeptical that i can pass the physical test, but? hopefully... whatever the results, i am sure not doing drywall for the rest of my life. that's for dang sure.

close my eyes
not to remember
every crime or time I fell
into the open arms of temptation
driving the nails
how does your love remain so faithful
to the unfaithful

where do you hide the tears
you should be crying when
i've fallen again and
where do you hide the tears
that fell in the day i turned you away
you throw them away...
the sea of forgetfulness

draw my heart
out of the darkness
where i was hiding from your face
into the open arms of forgiveness
offering grace
into a place where there's no memory
left to press against me

where do you hide the tears
you should be crying when
i've fallen again and
where do you hide the tears
that fell in the day i turned you away
you throw them away...
the sea of forgetfulness

stumble or fall
you cover them all
nothing to hold you
let them go
love takes me in
and covers with in
to welcome the child you know i am

where do you hide the tears
you should be crying when
i've fallen again and
where do you hide the tears
that fell in the day i turned you away
you throw them away...
the sea of forgetfulness

Sea of Forgetfulness
Seven Day Jesus